Divorce Is Never That Easy

It has been a very long time since I blogged, part of it is I suppose shame and then also losing sight of what used to help me focus myself so here I am, blogging to the universe to try to get some semblance of myself back.

So, general update, on Christmas last year it was decided that a divorce was necessary, I used to think of divorce as failure but my perspective has very much shifted.  We finally came to the conclusion that all we ever really were was friends and we were just forcing something that wasn’t there.  We filed and pretty much as soon as he moved out my life got lighter and my whole personality did a 180, I wasn’t depressed anymore and things were mostly good.  Unfortunately, as with everything, there is a catch, I have probably had one of the easiest divorces ever, I was on top of the paperwork to make sure everything went through fine, we were still friends so there were no fights over stuff and we had no kids…easy…except for the car.  Somewhere along the way some stupid car dealer in this state told us that because we had one car loan in both names the other had to be so we (when we thought we would stay together) got the second car in both names.  Come time for the divorce he wanted that car and I was happy to give it to him and get something cheaper, I told him to work out his budget and make sure he could afford it and his insurance and he assured me he could.  Now, months later I was stuck with the payments and him struggling to pay me back for anything I had loaned him to help with getting him on his feet in a new apartment, I couldn’t find any way to get my name off the car so he could sink or swim on his own for once and so I was stuck because I wasn’t going to tank my credit.  Finally he went to a dealership to turn the car in and trade it and everything seemed fine, I was finally going to be completely detached from him other than what he owed me, he told me everything was set and I could cancel the other car payment and life was good, so I canceled it and was all sorts of happy.  Talked to him today and discovered maybe things aren’t quite as set as he told me…dealership called him last week and said maybe they couldn’t finance and he just didn’t bother to bring me into the loop with the thought that I may have to get the next car payment so I don’t come up as late.  This boy can’t afford to pay me back or pay for his car or insurance but he says he has saved up to go out tonight…priorities!!!  I get you wanna take your little girl on a date which is all fine and good except you are broke!  I have seen your bills, you are late on most if not all of them and not even paying everything you should be! Anything you save should be going to getting your shit straight!  I get that I am the ex and not your first priority but the fact is you are now getting into the point where you are almost messing up my finances and that is unacceptable, I should not be forced to save your ass to save mine and you have put me in a ridiculous and unfair situation…the fact is I am almost about to say screw it and let my credit take the hit because I am just so over the stupid BS!  I spent years taking care of this child and now even though we are divorced I still seem to be stuck doing it and I have no idea how to escape it without taking myself down too…I had one of the easiest most enviable divorces ever, then I remembered I was formerly married to a stupid little boy who never figured out how to function without someone taking care of him and he knows how to keep that going…ugh…

How Do I Get There?

So I have been thinking a lot lately about what I really want.  This is delayed, I should have thought about it in high school but I hit a wall and then met my husband and let myself get lost and forgotten about.  It’s not his fault, it is just what I did to myself, I found it easier to try to figure out his stuff and get “our future” together than figuring out my own issues.  Anyway, moving on…I have rediscovered that I absolutely love to travel, I love other countries and being able to move around.  My goal when I was younger was to find a job that let me live in the UK and I still think I want to do that, I just don’t know how.  As of right now I have thought about getting an English degree and then teaching English as a second language and that may be the way I go but I am also looking for advice.  What can I do to achieve that?  I could just move over there and try to make my way but somehow that doesn’t seem like a very smart idea…so, anybody who has any good ideas or advice please let me know!

Gym Time

Ouch…

I have decided that this 6 months will be a time to improve myself and with that comes getting myself in shape…obviously that means working out. I started out well went the first couple of weeks going everyday but about mid way through the second week I started having issues. I was slowing down on the treadmill (a lot, it was really sad) and couldn’t make very good distance, my knees started to hurt like crazy and where my calf muscle meets my shin was in pretty large amounts of pain. I think I have discovered that this is due to overpronation so I have gotten some cheap inserts as a temporary measure while I wait for the nicer ones to show up in the mail. In the mean time the cheap ones have improved things a bit but I still haven’t managed to go running again. Yesterday I got my butt beat by a Jillian Michaels DVD. I like her, I think she gets results and she makes me laugh but I still don’t usually use DVD’s. This one was a nice break though and I was falling out part way through and I knew I would be hurting but I had no idea how bad! I could barely walk today my legs were hurting so bad! So, needless to say that mixed with some time issues means I didn’t run or even hit the gym today. I am not too stressed about it because normally I would take off the whole weekend and I ended up working out o Sunday so I guess today kind of makes up for it, I am just hoping I’m not as sore tomorrow and the inserts help me actually get some running. My goals are to drop some weight, tone and most importantly just be set to do well on my PT tests…I think I can hit my minimum push ups but it is still a bit of a struggle so I need to work on those more. I also need to obviously get the run down and then do some ab work. I have been kind of up and down on my diet but mostly not bad enough that I would be over my daily burn so at the very least I wouldn’t gain any weight…now I just have to try to get to the gym tomorrow and see if I lost any.

If anyone has any tips and tricks for the gym I would love to hear!

Stupid Distance

Blarg….Distance makes the heart grow fonder…I hate that saying right now because all it means for me is confusion.  I was almost 100% positive before I left that I would come home and divorce, that distance wouldn’t save us this time….and yet that stupid little miniscule percentage that survived the want and need to divorce has grown…I don’t want it to…I love him but I am so tired of the back and forth, I was actually going to have an answer and do something! Now it is lost….I am just as confused as ever, from a distance he seems to be changing but is it enough and in the right ways?  Can I find somebody else that I can open up to and show the little oddball things that he knows?  Do I want to????  I am so confused and I hate it and this isn’t something that I can just be home soon and figure out if it is just distance or if he actually has changed, I have at least 5 more months here so my heart will just grow more and more fond and then when I get home…when he doesn’t live up to all of the crap I have built in my head it’s going to hurt like hell…He doesn’t even have answers, he is confused and not sure what is going on….he has been working on finding answers for years and still nothing, how is that possible?  Logically I know the answer and it would have been easier before but I didn’t have the chance and now it is just going to be so much worse.  I keep trying to protect my heart and keep him out, if he is going to change fine but I want distance  until I can get back and see what has actually changed…but I can’t, I can never stay away, he is like a freaking drug.  So do I stay or divorce?  I am so lost and tired and broken…

Let the Change Begin…

Here I am again, back to this blog that sometimes provides some semblance of peace.  I am still stock in the roller coaster that is my marriage with more down time than up time.  As always I seem frozen and unable to make much in the way of a decision, sometimes I love him with everything I am and the very though of splitting hurts my heart deeply in ways I couldn’t imagine or explain and other times I cannot fathom why I have been so stupid and wasted so much time.  Luckily for me, I am in the military and this great career choice has just given me 6 months of me time in a way only the military can.  For now I welcome the break, I needed it desperately to find myself and learn where I need to go and who I really am.  It is incredibly hard to make decisions to try to make yourself happy when you really don’t know what will make you happy or where to begin.  I am taking this time to enjoy the travel and hopefully sort some stuff out and by the end of this six months the choice will be made one way or the other.  I have, at the very least, decided that I will no longer go on living like this, either something changes for the better or we walk away, it is as simple as that.  We both deserve more than we have gotten up to this point and so we are hurting each other by staying together as we are, it’s not fair and it will hurt like hell but I will end it to save us both…never an easy decision to cause yourself and someone you truly love such a deep pain but in the end you do it with the hope that you are saving them from a longer more drawn out different kind of pain that would be seen in the future…unfortunately you can never know if that is for sure what will happen, only adding to the difficult of the decision.  So many what if’s….it is hard to face them all and really say that the risk is worth it but I am almost there.

As far as me, I have finally started to really take my life into my own hands.  I have taken this six months as an opportunity to completely reshape myself and do what this blog claims, rise from the ashes that were my life and be something newer, better and stronger.  I am taking opportunities to learn my job better and take in the different aspects of it which is nice, I have perspectives and things here that I could never get back home.  I have also decided to finally get myself in shape.  I don’t know about everyone else but I have been promising myself this since somewhere way back when and while I did lose a decent amount of weight a while back I gained it all back with this insanity that is my marriage and I wasn’t even in shape anyway.  I am improving my diet as much as I can with as little control as I have over it and I have taken to working out at the gym five days a week.  I would like to improve my fitness to a point that I never really have to worry about my PT tests, this means lots of push ups and things that will help push ups and lots of running along with everything else.  This last week was hard, I got four days in because that was when I figured out that I could hitch a ride to the gym with someone  and my muscles have been aching.  I destroyed my knees the other day trying to do sprints on a treadmill (also with previous days of running already aching me) and I am hoping that comes down to a matter of not being used to really running.  I still hate running but I am getting used to it and attempting to get better. I am also using the machines at the gym and while some yell “screw the machines use the free weights!” I’m not quite ready for that step yet…baby steps for the poor little out of shape girl, at least I am doing something.

I am taking advantage of some opportunities to go out and socialize when they come up as apposed to just staying in which is great for me and it isn’t very hard.  I used to think at home with my husband I just didn’t want to go out, then I suspected I didn’t like where he went and that’s why I didn’t go, not because something was wrong with me and I was that antisocial.  As it turns out the second is the correct answer, I enjoy going out with people….correction, I enjoy going out with *good* *fun* people.  I enjoy going places that are fun and not just bars, I enjoy being part of conversations and not left out of them, I enjoy having something in common with people and not being ignored because I don’t have crazy drunk stories, I enjoy being with people who have actually matured past that stage and understand it isn’t all about getting wasted for whichever reason they choose to validate the act.    I hold nothing against people who drink but when it is all a person does then that just isn’t my kind of person.

I have also managed to finally have the peace and time to read.  I have made it through a few of my books and it is nice, I can just sit and be without being pestered by anyone or feel like I have to do anything.  I haven’t got any real worries here, I go to work and when I am off my time is well and truly *mine* I can do whatever I want…I have money to play with if I choose to and I am realizing that I am not the spender that it seemed I was at home, honestly I wasn’t really when I was at home either, my money got pissed down someone elses’ drain more than mine as much as he denies it.  Out here I can’t feel guilty when he cries about not having enough money, not like I used to anyway, I can’t cave in when he says he wants to go out for food rather than eat at home, I don’t have to fill up the gas tank after he pissed it away driving a half hour each way to get to his bar and can’t afford to put gas in…it’s finally on him, he has a safety net, I can still help if I have to and I admit I did once already but for the most part, he is on his own…I think this is the first time in his life he has even been this alone and he still isn’t completely.  He is a boy and maybe, just maybe, this experience may turn him into something a bit more mature…at this point it is only a faint sliver of hope, but it is something…

…maybe just this once he will actually follow through and I won’t feel bad for actually believing the promises again…

Help…I just don’t know!

I think that I maybe made a mistake.  We were best friends, we got a long great as friends and everyone, including us, thought we would be an amazing couple.  We thought it would all just fit together perfectly and kept plundering along just assuming it was.  Then we ran into problems and we kept going, too afraid and determined to give up on what everyone said was meant to be.  I think that we were meant to stay best friends, I thing maybe we are trying to force something that never should have been.

The I love you’s are starting to sound hollow, being together is causing stress…maybe it is time to end the stress.  The idea of a break hurts me but also feels almost freeing…some piece of me argues it isn’t right but some other bit says it is actually very right, I crave it.  I feel like I have settled and am not happy and yet I can’t bring myself to say anything to him because it hurts, it hurts the very idea of bringing it all to a final end.  I don’t want to end it and have it be a mistake, that would be a huge mistake to make.  Even just thinking about actually saying something is making my stomach twist and knot.  I don’t know what to do, I wish he would just snap and everything I wanted would happen and life could be easy but it’s not.  I didn’t know myself well enough when he asked me to marry him and I don’t think he knew himself either, that was our mistake.  I love him but I don’t know that I am in love with him and I don’t know how to make a final discovery and decision and get a final answer either way. Help?

*sigh* Here We Go Again…

He’s tired of fighting he says, like we have been fighting so much and it is my fault.  Tonight was him being moody, even he said it but still he is talking about how he is tired of fighting.  I am tired of sleeping alone at night, I am tired of being the only one to clean while he leaves messes everywhere, I am tired of paying for mostly everything (though admittedly he says he will start paying half the rent which I really hope is the case).  I hate that I have learned and become happier sleeping alone than with him, I got married to go to sleep and wake up next to someone. I hate that things seem to be more stressful when he is around then when I am on my own.  He always wanted me to be more independent and able to be happier on my own, I guess thanks to him because I have finally learned, the catch is that when he isn’t really here at all I am now adjusting and preferring to be without him, probably not a good thing in the marriage.  “I don’t want to fight anymore because it will make me start wanting out…” yeah well, the whole me being alone most of the time anyway thing gets me pretty close sometimes but I deal with it, I am learning and trying to figure out how to adjust.  It isn’t all about you, it’s two people trying to make it work not just you making demands and me changing my shit for them, I am really just getting tired of it.

I think I need to step up more or something, finally try for more of what I want rather than just trying to bend to what he wants because I honestly don’t think he has a clue.  I am also seriously debating splitting our bills more, why should I keep paying for him?  If he wants to play big tough man and act like he is in charge then he should take on more responsibility, the tough part is actually splitting everything.  To split it I pretty much to have him get his own insurance and get off mine (which would save me money which would be nice), I have already finally gotten him on his own phone plan, the utilities I would just have to get from him every month which would be a pain, and maybe I could just cancel the cable…either that or again demand half of the money from him.  Ugh, I hate that it is all a pain, it wouldn’t be so bad to pay the majority of the bills if he put back some how but emotionally he isn’t supportive, hell I tried to talk about something tonight and he took the first opportunity to jump in, cut me off and started talking about him and his work and sadly he does it a lot.  He just doesn’t feel like he is there for me a large portion of the time.  He doesn’t do anything around the house except for a very rare occasion, he just leaves messes everywhere I just clean.  He causes chaos and it sucks, I am already stressed and exhausted and he knows it but he isn’t doing anything to try to help.  I shouldn’t be up alone at 4 in the morning, I wish he could have followed me out and shown some sot of caring but he just rolled over and went to sleep and I am not in the least surprised, just disappointed.

He was out all night, only just got home, once again he was out drinking, again, not surprising.  I don’t get why it is so hard for him to try to go to sleep with me once in a while, he promises over and over but always comes up with some reason not to.  Why can’t he just be a freaking husband?  I am leaving in just over two months and will be gone for at least 6 months, you would think that would inspire him to be better and make this last bit of time happy and fun and relaxed.  He talks about how worried he is that I will come back and not want to be married and I will find someone else, I’m not looking to find someone else but at the rate we are going sometimes I do wonder if I will come back and just want out.  Every time we start to get better it goes back to being good it goes to hell again.  I want a *real* husband…I want a house that doesn’t stress me out and overwhelm me because no matter what I can’t get it clean and can’t get help…I want to be happy.

This isn’t what I wanted in my life…and sadly he will never care enough to even look at this blog, not unless I tell him too, he won’t ever understand where I am because as often as I tell him it hasn’t changed, it will just be a fight to get things better like it has been but I don’t know if I have it in me to fight for this anymore.  I have been fighting since this relationship started to keep it going and I feel like I have been just dragging him, I don’t know how long I can do it, I am looking at a deployment as peaceful and a nice break…that just sounds wrong and backwards…

Take Care of Your Teeth!

Just when you think everything is going good…

Our life is an interesting one, we tend to have things set on a good path and then get hit by something random.  Sometimes it is something we do and sometimes it is just random circumstances.  We were finally starting to get our budget in order and thought we were good and financially well enough set that we could have kids.  A week or so ago hubby’s face got puffy and we found out he had a bad infection in one of his teeth.  We always knew his teeth were messed up and we were hoping to be able to take time to fix it bit by bit so we could actually make it happen.  Well he went to the dentist and over a few days we found out that he is extremely resistant to numbing shots so he needs to be knocked out to get teeth pulled, he has to have 6 pulled, his four wisdom teeth as well as two others, he needs a bridge and buildup and overall for all of the dental work he needs it will total about $10000….not a mistype, my husband needs ten thousand dollars worth of dental work…our insurance will cover some but nowhere near that amount so we are hoping to get on some sort of dental credit program so we can make it work but it was pretty clear that kids, unfortunately, have just been temporarily pushed out of the picture.  I hate losing that but it is what it is.  Hopefully some things will be coming up at work soon like a promotion and raise as well as maybe some other stuff that will keep life interesting and keep me distracted and help the finances a little bit.

Life is interesting….

The New Year

Ah the new year, a fresh beginning in so many ways for so many things. Last year was a painful year with a lot happening. I have noticed that recently that happens a lot to me, each new year brings some new drastic change, problem or opportunity for growth. 2008 was me getting married, 2009 was me joining the military as well as the breakdown of my marriage, 2010 was the restart of my marriage and all of the pain and struggles that go with that….2011? What will that bring? Well there are already plans in the works and ideas being thrown around, I am not one to sit still for very long and I tend to constantly try to push myself to where I want to be. Now that my marriage is back on track hubby and I have been discussing the next step and so 2011 may very possibly bring a pregnancy. I think that is definitely a big change. As of right now we are thinking perhaps starting in March but that isn’t set in stone, there are some other things going on at work that may perhaps change the course of this year completely, but we will see.

As for new year’s resolutions….I don’t really have any. I have a general goal, I want to live a happier healthier life overall. I am still trying to lose weight, I did well enough last year but after I went home in May I just couldn’t get back on track. At that point I gained back what I lost. Now I am trying to lose the weight but also be generally stronger and more in shape, I would love to do well at PT and not have to worry about it. I would love to be able to run at the bare minimum the 3 miles without having to struggle so badly when I do it and not having to worry about push ups would be spectacular! So far I have been eating better and trying to work out more when I am at PT and some when I am home.

The Gift Card Conundrum

At what point did it become such an issue to give gift cards as gifts? I know that some people see it as thoughtless but honestly any gift can be thoughtless, just grab something off the shelf and bam, you have a thoughtless gift. For some people a gift card is the best gift they can get. Take me for example, I no longer have space in my apartment for useless crap, I am in process of trying to get rid of years worth of useless gifts and I honestly feel guilty for it but it is just silly for me to keep. My mother and I have been going back and forth, she has decided to buy this year from credit card points, after I sorted through the stuff they had to offer I decided that I wanted a gift card because it was best suited me, it was honestly exactly what I wanted and I told her and I have been figuring ways to spend the gift card. She continues to call me suggesting furniture this site has to offer…I have NO space for furniture not to mention the stuff on the site is not my taste and stupid expensive, I DON’T want it but because of this idea that it is wrong for someone to give a gift card as a gift and because she can’t think of anything else for me she is trying to push this furniture on me. A gift should be something that someone wants, not something you get because you are trying to avoid getting something they want because you see it as wrong for some reason. In my position at the moment gift cards or cash are the best but if you want something really good for me, gift cards. If I get cash I will spend it on bills or stuff not for me and won’t enjoy it, a gift card I am forced to spend on me and I can get any of the variety of things that I have been dreaming of getting forever. I want something that lets me be irresponsible and doesn’t just sit on a shelf! I want to go to a spa or go shopping for clothes or go for a little weekend away or something! Perhaps it is just me, and this is a slightly jumbled post, I am a bit grumpy but I really don’t see the big problem, can someone enlighten me?