I have decided that this 6 months will be a time to improve myself and with that comes getting myself in shape…obviously that means working out. I started out well went the first couple of weeks going everyday but about mid way through the second week I started having issues. I was slowing down on the treadmill (a lot, it was really sad) and couldn’t make very good distance, my knees started to hurt like crazy and where my calf muscle meets my shin was in pretty large amounts of pain. I think I have discovered that this is due to overpronation so I have gotten some cheap inserts as a temporary measure while I wait for the nicer ones to show up in the mail. In the mean time the cheap ones have improved things a bit but I still haven’t managed to go running again. Yesterday I got my butt beat by a Jillian Michaels DVD. I like her, I think she gets results and she makes me laugh but I still don’t usually use DVD’s. This one was a nice break though and I was falling out part way through and I knew I would be hurting but I had no idea how bad! I could barely walk today my legs were hurting so bad! So, needless to say that mixed with some time issues means I didn’t run or even hit the gym today. I am not too stressed about it because normally I would take off the whole weekend and I ended up working out o Sunday so I guess today kind of makes up for it, I am just hoping I’m not as sore tomorrow and the inserts help me actually get some running. My goals are to drop some weight, tone and most importantly just be set to do well on my PT tests…I think I can hit my minimum push ups but it is still a bit of a struggle so I need to work on those more. I also need to obviously get the run down and then do some ab work. I have been kind of up and down on my diet but mostly not bad enough that I would be over my daily burn so at the very least I wouldn’t gain any weight…now I just have to try to get to the gym tomorrow and see if I lost any.

If anyone has any tips and tricks for the gym I would love to hear!

As far as me, I have finally started to really take my life into my own hands.  I have taken this six months as an opportunity to completely reshape myself and do what this blog claims, rise from the ashes that were my life and be something newer, better and stronger.  I am taking opportunities to learn my job better and take in the different aspects of it which is nice, I have perspectives and things here that I could never get back home.  I have also decided to finally get myself in shape.  I don’t know about everyone else but I have been promising myself this since somewhere way back when and while I did lose a decent amount of weight a while back I gained it all back with this insanity that is my marriage and I wasn’t even in shape anyway.  I am improving my diet as much as I can with as little control as I have over it and I have taken to working out at the gym five days a week.  I would like to improve my fitness to a point that I never really have to worry about my PT tests, this means lots of push ups and things that will help push ups and lots of running along with everything else.  This last week was hard, I got four days in because that was when I figured out that I could hitch a ride to the gym with someone  and my muscles have been aching.  I destroyed my knees the other day trying to do sprints on a treadmill (also with previous days of running already aching me) and I am hoping that comes down to a matter of not being used to really running.  I still hate running but I am getting used to it and attempting to get better. I am also using the machines at the gym and while some yell “screw the machines use the free weights!” I’m not quite ready for that step yet…baby steps for the poor little out of shape girl, at least I am doing something.

I am taking advantage of some opportunities to go out and socialize when they come up as apposed to just staying in which is great for me and it isn’t very hard.  I used to think at home with my husband I just didn’t want to go out, then I suspected I didn’t like where he went and that’s why I didn’t go, not because something was wrong with me and I was that antisocial.  As it turns out the second is the correct answer, I enjoy going out with people….correction, I enjoy going out with *good* *fun* people.  I enjoy going places that are fun and not just bars, I enjoy being part of conversations and not left out of them, I enjoy having something in common with people and not being ignored because I don’t have crazy drunk stories, I enjoy being with people who have actually matured past that stage and understand it isn’t all about getting wasted for whichever reason they choose to validate the act.    I hold nothing against people who drink but when it is all a person does then that just isn’t my kind of person.

I have also managed to finally have the peace and time to read.  I have made it through a few of my books and it is nice, I can just sit and be without being pestered by anyone or feel like I have to do anything.  I haven’t got any real worries here, I go to work and when I am off my time is well and truly *mine* I can do whatever I want…I have money to play with if I choose to and I am realizing that I am not the spender that it seemed I was at home, honestly I wasn’t really when I was at home either, my money got pissed down someone elses’ drain more than mine as much as he denies it.  Out here I can’t feel guilty when he cries about not having enough money, not like I used to anyway, I can’t cave in when he says he wants to go out for food rather than eat at home, I don’t have to fill up the gas tank after he pissed it away driving a half hour each way to get to his bar and can’t afford to put gas in…it’s finally on him, he has a safety net, I can still help if I have to and I admit I did once already but for the most part, he is on his own…I think this is the first time in his life he has even been this alone and he still isn’t completely.  He is a boy and maybe, just maybe, this experience may turn him into something a bit more mature…at this point it is only a faint sliver of hope, but it is something…

…maybe just this once he will actually follow through and I won’t feel bad for actually believing the promises again…

The I love you’s are starting to sound hollow, being together is causing stress…maybe it is time to end the stress.  The idea of a break hurts me but also feels almost freeing…some piece of me argues it isn’t right but some other bit says it is actually very right, I crave it.  I feel like I have settled and am not happy and yet I can’t bring myself to say anything to him because it hurts, it hurts the very idea of bringing it all to a final end.  I don’t want to end it and have it be a mistake, that would be a huge mistake to make.  Even just thinking about actually saying something is making my stomach twist and knot.  I don’t know what to do, I wish he would just snap and everything I wanted would happen and life could be easy but it’s not.  I didn’t know myself well enough when he asked me to marry him and I don’t think he knew himself either, that was our mistake.  I love him but I don’t know that I am in love with him and I don’t know how to make a final discovery and decision and get a final answer either way. Help?

I think I need to step up more or something, finally try for more of what I want rather than just trying to bend to what he wants because I honestly don’t think he has a clue.  I am also seriously debating splitting our bills more, why should I keep paying for him?  If he wants to play big tough man and act like he is in charge then he should take on more responsibility, the tough part is actually splitting everything.  To split it I pretty much to have him get his own insurance and get off mine (which would save me money which would be nice), I have already finally gotten him on his own phone plan, the utilities I would just have to get from him every month which would be a pain, and maybe I could just cancel the cable…either that or again demand half of the money from him.  Ugh, I hate that it is all a pain, it wouldn’t be so bad to pay the majority of the bills if he put back some how but emotionally he isn’t supportive, hell I tried to talk about something tonight and he took the first opportunity to jump in, cut me off and started talking about him and his work and sadly he does it a lot.  He just doesn’t feel like he is there for me a large portion of the time.  He doesn’t do anything around the house except for a very rare occasion, he just leaves messes everywhere I just clean.  He causes chaos and it sucks, I am already stressed and exhausted and he knows it but he isn’t doing anything to try to help.  I shouldn’t be up alone at 4 in the morning, I wish he could have followed me out and shown some sot of caring but he just rolled over and went to sleep and I am not in the least surprised, just disappointed.

He was out all night, only just got home, once again he was out drinking, again, not surprising.  I don’t get why it is so hard for him to try to go to sleep with me once in a while, he promises over and over but always comes up with some reason not to.  Why can’t he just be a freaking husband?  I am leaving in just over two months and will be gone for at least 6 months, you would think that would inspire him to be better and make this last bit of time happy and fun and relaxed.  He talks about how worried he is that I will come back and not want to be married and I will find someone else, I’m not looking to find someone else but at the rate we are going sometimes I do wonder if I will come back and just want out.  Every time we start to get better it goes back to being good it goes to hell again.  I want a *real* husband…I want a house that doesn’t stress me out and overwhelm me because no matter what I can’t get it clean and can’t get help…I want to be happy.

This isn’t what I wanted in my life…and sadly he will never care enough to even look at this blog, not unless I tell him too, he won’t ever understand where I am because as often as I tell him it hasn’t changed, it will just be a fight to get things better like it has been but I don’t know if I have it in me to fight for this anymore.  I have been fighting since this relationship started to keep it going and I feel like I have been just dragging him, I don’t know how long I can do it, I am looking at a deployment as peaceful and a nice break…that just sounds wrong and backwards…

Our life is an interesting one, we tend to have things set on a good path and then get hit by something random.  Sometimes it is something we do and sometimes it is just random circumstances.  We were finally starting to get our budget in order and thought we were good and financially well enough set that we could have kids.  A week or so ago hubby’s face got puffy and we found out he had a bad infection in one of his teeth.  We always knew his teeth were messed up and we were hoping to be able to take time to fix it bit by bit so we could actually make it happen.  Well he went to the dentist and over a few days we found out that he is extremely resistant to numbing shots so he needs to be knocked out to get teeth pulled, he has to have 6 pulled, his four wisdom teeth as well as two others, he needs a bridge and buildup and overall for all of the dental work he needs it will total about $10000….not a mistype, my husband needs ten thousand dollars worth of dental work…our insurance will cover some but nowhere near that amount so we are hoping to get on some sort of dental credit program so we can make it work but it was pretty clear that kids, unfortunately, have just been temporarily pushed out of the picture.  I hate losing that but it is what it is.  Hopefully some things will be coming up at work soon like a promotion and raise as well as maybe some other stuff that will keep life interesting and keep me distracted and help the finances a little bit.

Life is interesting….

As for new year’s resolutions….I don’t really have any. I have a general goal, I want to live a happier healthier life overall. I am still trying to lose weight, I did well enough last year but after I went home in May I just couldn’t get back on track. At that point I gained back what I lost. Now I am trying to lose the weight but also be generally stronger and more in shape, I would love to do well at PT and not have to worry about it. I would love to be able to run at the bare minimum the 3 miles without having to struggle so badly when I do it and not having to worry about push ups would be spectacular! So far I have been eating better and trying to work out more when I am at PT and some when I am home.

This last week has been interesting, the weather has been crazy which has led to some frantic moments.  I am a Southern California girl, I am used to sunshine and warm days and winter here is putting me in some new situations.  A few days ago it snowed, I was giddy and happy and ecstatic, I had never seen it go from nothing on the ground to white.  I have seen snow, I went to the mountains but this was different to me.  My dear husband spent a good chunk of time laughing at me because he though my reaction was cute, he spent his younger years in Michigan so this was nothing to him.  Well, what I did not initially think about was that snow means ice…I have never ever driven on ice, as I said warm sunny times…I also happen to live up a high hill with the apartments with a couple of hills on the normal drive.  We had just bought a new car that didn’t have snow tires on it, hubby happened to be driving it because he was checking it out at his shop so at least it wasn’t me sliding out.  He ended up not being able to make it home in that car so we parked it at a Wal Mart, told management what was happening so they wouldn’t tow it and I set out to save him in the Montero that has snow tires….this was a bad idea.  Here I was thinking I could be all awesome and rescue my husband from the icy cold and pick him up easy, I hadn’t actually been outside to see the roads yet but I figured it couldn’t really be that bad…I was wrong.  I barely made it down the main apartment hill, I ended up sliding to the wrong side of the road and left out of the entrance…I figured that wasn’t so bad, it was a tiny slide it would be fine…not.  As soon as I turned onto the main road I realized the true scope of the situation as I slid into a curb because I had no control what-so-ever of my car.  I was going stupid slow so there wasn’t any harm done and luckily no cars were in the way but I stopped for a bit and had a minor freak out, I am not one who likes losing control of a car, I called hubby who said to pull off and just stay at the apartment but I was determined so I said I would keep going.  I very slowly got past that mess, around the cars and the bus and continued on to the other actual hill…uh oh…part of it was a parking lot…a very disorganized parking lot.  People had decided to just stop, some had no choice in the matter and others had no choice in the fact that they were moving or where they were moving to.  I slipped, slid and crawled very carefully and finally made it to the Wal Mart lot to rescue my husband…who had actually been down the hill I just got out of pushing cars and helping.  We eventually meet up and I make him drive home, where we have to park at the base of the apartment hill and hike home through the little chunk of woods and snow we have.  Then we spent the rest of the night determined not to leave until we have work in the morning. Luckily by then the road was salted and life was good…and I still went very carefully down the road.  So, lessons learned from the crazy experience:

1. When driving on ice go slowly!  If you are at a stop start slowly, if you put the peddle to the floor your tires just spin, get no traction, burn and smell nasty…slow is good, helps with traction and if you loose control there is less risk and damage.

2. Make sure you have the right tires and/or chains…I watched other cars compared to ours and I still slid with my snow tires but others were way worse.

3. STAY HOME!  If it is really that bad out and they haven’t salted or taken care of the roads curl up with a blanket and some hot chocolate or tea or whatever and a fire and movie and call the night good.

That was the crazy part of this past week though Thanksgiving had its moments.  My shop all got together at my supervisor’s house for our Thanksgiving feast.  We ended up making the cranberry jelly whatever…well, hubby did, I let him have the honor while I bought the rolls.  It was tasty and now we have some homemade cranberry juice so it was a pretty good learning experience for me to see how it was all done.  The actually party thing was for the most part good and fun.  We all hung out, we relaxed, there was football, food and drinking and good people, it was a good mix.  The end of the night had a decent amount of drama that actually gave a pretty sour note to the night but I am trying to ignore that and just call the day a win, we will see how that goes and if hubby can let it go (the drama was not between us, we were good all night).